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avatar Rancho_Chupacabraj 4 year.agoA woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" "Well," the woman says, "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favourite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999 my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old, it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden. " The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!" Naturally, they're both shocked. "If that isn't weird enough," says the woman, "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favourite author" Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here. I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature, this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain." They both can't believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven. "Ok," the woman says, "well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favourite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favourite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?" The man puts down his fruit and responds, *"It's a date."*

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In this curated list, we’ve compiled the best dad-approved one-liners, groan-worthy puns, and cheeky quips guaranteed to deliver belly laughs. Share these crowd-pleasing jokes at work, family dinners, or parties—no prescription needed!

funny dad jokes

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1. Did you know Hellen Keller had a dog?

Neither did she!

2. Pour animals...

into an oven, I'm hungry!!

3. Why can’t Aggies call 911?

They can’t find the 11 on the phone!

4. How do you make a feminist smile?

Photoshop - if you're good at it.

5. Planned Parenthood ran out of business

The guy with the hydraulic press would kill the baby for free, and he'll do ones that have already been born. He makes a lot of money, everybody loves watching a the compressed fetus goo squeezed out of the dead woman's vagina. The pro-choice finally did admit that abortion was murder, so we are now just the pro-murder movement. We love watching people be murdered by the hydraulic press.

6. Just saw two tramps hitting each other around the head with cardboard.

They were having a pillow fight.

7. When the black guy took responsibility and claimed that he was the father, I was absolutely shocked.

I really did not see that coming in "The Empire Strikes Back."

8. What’s a Nazi’s favorite part of chemistry?

When they get the final solution.

9. What are Chinese people who got arrested for saying negative things about their government convicted of?

Wongthink

10. Why can't gay men drive over 68mph?

At 69 they blow a rod.

11. What's the difference between you and an abortion?

The abortion was planned.

12. What’s the difference between a Chinese person and a group of Chinese people?

Batman and Batmen

13. I took a bus home last night.

She prefers being called big-boned.

14. What do you call the story of Sodom and Gomorrah?

LGBBQ

15. Why can’t you rape a hooker?

Because that’s shoplifting

16. Did you know Hellen Keller had a treehouse?

Neither did she

17. How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They rearranged the furniture.

18. Whats the difference between a pulse and an orgasm?

I don't care if she has either

19. The other day I got arrested after suffocating a black man to death after tackling him

It was for impersonating an officer

20. A Murderer, A Domestic Abuser & Klansman Walk Into A Bar

The bartender says "what will it be officer?"

21. my first time driving was alot like my first time having sex

i had no idea what i was doing, but dad was sure keen to show me

22. Americans actually have the most advanced technology right now.

While kids in foreign countries bring their MP3 players to school, we bring our MP5s! ​ EDIT: We now bring MP7s. EDIT #2: We now bring MP9s! Holy shit, we really upgraded quickly! EDIT #3: Well shit, it's lockdown... hope we get an MP11 sooner or later!

23. If The Flintstones were black what would white people call them?

N_ _ _ _ _ _ s

24. Third wave feminism?

More like third reich feminism

25. Me-Doctor, help!!

Doctor-Whats wrong? Me-I love to help blind and mute people, I think I'm insane!! Doctor-How is that bad?? Me- I mean the adjective

26. What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels comes alive when you add coke.

27. Black people use hot sauce on everything...

because they have developed a taste for pepper spray.

28. I saw 2 blind guys squaring up to each other for a fight.

I shouted, “My money's on the one with the knife!" You should’ve seen them both run away.

29. My friend claims his weight problem is down to his glands.

I think it's because he's got an overactive knife and fork.

30. Got arrested for racial assault because I tackled this Indian man to the floor.

I was only protecting him from a sniper. Lucky for him I saw the laser sight before the guy took one in the head.

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